Characters

Main Characters

 * Dan
 * Chris
 * Elise
 * Mr. Mumbles

Recurring Side Characters

 * Elise Senior
 * Don
 * Ben
 * Impostor Dan
 * Crunchy
 * Ninja Dave
 * Oswald Fitzpatrick
 * Hortence Burger
 * Madame Zelda
 * Eagle's Nest
 * Jeremiah Burger
 * Fat Paramedic
 * Thin Paramedic
 * Police Captain
 * Fat Police Officer
 * Fit Police Officer
 * Librarian
 * Hobo
 * Mr. Zimmerman
 * Mike

One Off Characters

 * Hydrogen Trucker
 * Trick or Treaters
 * Neolithic Indigenous Zombies
 * Dr. Pullum
 * Dentist Assistant
 * Fake Doctor
 * Goose Man
 * Soccer Boy
 * Soccer Mom
 * Hobo 2
 * Normal People
 * Canadians
 * Sweep Guards
 * Border Guard
 * Great Great Grandfather Pearson
 * Great Grandfather Pearson
 * Great Great Grandmother Pearson
 * Skip
 * Yeti Pearson
 * Helicopter Hal
 * Traffic Cop
 * Old People
 * Shepherd
 * Theatre Owners
 * Tye
 * Theatre Chefs
 * Theatre Custodian
 * Head Theatre Actor
 * Pink Shirted Theatre Actor
 * Dinner Theatre Waiter
 * Ball Chasers
 * Baseball Guards
 * Counterfeit Ticket Dealer
 * The Rowdy Fans
 * Riot Control
 * District of Columbia Newscaster
 * Baseball Players
 * Baseball Boys
 * Baseball Pitcher
 * Baseball Catcher
 * Umpire
 * Innocent Women
 * DC Hot Dog Man
 * Baseball Announcer
 * Ballboy Manager
 * Commissioner's Aide
 * Commissioner
 * Salvation Service Woman
 * TV Chef
 * Salvation Armed Forces Guy
 * Salvation Armed Forces Guard
 * Greatwill Employees
 * Beach Bros
 * Beach People
 * Hippie Leader
 * Thunderbird
 * Hippies of the SS. Friendship
 * Barge Crew
 * Barge Workers
 * Lifeguard
 * Children's Museum George Washington Actor
 * Mount Vernon Tour Guide
 * Mount Vernon Militia Men
 * The Ghost of George Washington
 * Barry Ditmer
 * ILSA
 * Security Robots
 * Hiram
 * Becky Barber
 * Mr. Barber
 * Door Scot
 * Creepy Baby
 * Creepy Baby's Mom
 * Mrs. Barber
 * Cabin Couple
 * Clark

Fictional Characters

 * The Road Runner
 * Sgt. Saskatchewan
 * Population Control Johnny

Organizations

 * Shadow Quasi-Government
 * Balloonist Cult
 * The Koshugi Clan
 * Hockey Team
 * Québécois Extremists
 * Spetsgruppa
 * Ruling Body of Baseball
 * Hallowed Society of Barber-Surgeons