Helicopter Hal

From The Dan VS Wiki
That's one spicy traffic jam down there, oh yeahhhhhh

Helicopter Hal was a local 'minor celebrity' in Southern LA, self proclaimed 'traffic corespondent' and the host of the traffic radio show K-ML-N. He appears in the episode 'Traffic'.


Hal works at the K-ML-N radio station, hosting a rush hour traffic report show. Hal considers himself a celebrity, though this is repeatedly called into question by the other characters, who rate him a minor celebrity at best and a nobody at worst.

It's revealed that, despite his role as a figure who helps people navigate traffic, he loves traffic, displaying a fetishistic lust for a traffic jam and latter referring to it as his 'bread and butter'

Events of "Traffic"[edit]

Hal appeared at the start of the episode, reporting on the massive 3:00 PM (15:00) traffic gridlock in LA. (Which appears to be have been caused by a combination of construction, old people, a sheep herder, and a sock). Hal(under the impression his microphone was off) revealed his love for traffic, quickly covering it up afterwords.

Near the end of the episode, Dan(having stolen Elise's 'Experimental Vertigo-Type Nerve Gas') planned to hijack Hal's helicopter for the purpose of launching a chemical attack against LA, crippling the drivers with vertigo and clearing the roads(for a day or so, anyway. Ambushing Hal outside his workplace, he punched Hal in the face, forcing the man to the ground and repeatedly assaulting him for his various acts, both real and perceived by the unstable Dan. After Hal continued to push his ego, Dan forced him into his helicopter, ordering him to fly high above the city under threat of force.

He was unable to read Dan's ultimatum to Los Angeles, not due to a lack of integrity, but instead due to the simple fact Dan's handwriting was illegible, instead giving Dan the microphone.

He was then ordered to fly over central LA flying low, so Dan could release the gas. This plan was foiled by Elise. Tipped off by Chris's prior mention, she flew an experimental military aerocraft and attempted to shoot them down.(Hal described Elise's vehicle as something he had never seen, not anything like it once in his 20 years of work)The threat of Elise forced Dan and Hal to take evasive action and fly high. Dan attempted to release the gas anyway, but Hal objected, attempted to rustle the cansiters away from Dan, proclaiming that the wind would carry the gas cloud to Bakersfield before it touched down. A single canister was lost in the struggle, and, as predicted, hit Bakersfield.

Hal was unable to steer them to the soft teddy bear plant, instead crashing them on the tarmac. He continued to inflate his ego and brag, leading to Dan attacking him again. Dan won the fight, wrestling his jacket away from him(apparently by biting his ear) for a moment, before Elise intervened and knocked out Dan with a taser, allowing him to retrieve his jacket.

He is last seen leaving the parking lot and is never heard from again.


  • He may be based off of "Artie Pye" from The Simpsons.
  • Based on Dan's orders and the layout of the roads, it appears the midair scuffle took place somewhere around the intersection of Harbor Fwy and Hollywood Fwy near Grand Park.
  • Despite apparently being a 'minor celebrity' and FM radio personality, and having made it out of 'Traffic' mostly unharmed, he never appears again. A fan explanation created by Captain Jerk is that he was 'unpersoned' by Elise or another SG operative, as he not only knew about the existence of both the aircraft and nerve gas, but was also aware of Dan's attempted gas attack, and the fact that Elise was piloting the experimental aircraft. These facts, combined with his authority on the radio, may have made him too dangerous to keep around. None of this is confirmed, however, and is just a hypothesis.
  • His radio station call sign starts with the letter K, as all stations west of the mighty Mississippi do.