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Well, ya see now whatcha gotta do is

Hiram is an mentally disturbed extremely unstable techno-phobic anarcho-primitivist cannibal living in the Los Padres Forest outside of Los Angeles, the secondary antagonist of Dan Vs. Technology, and the primary antagonist of the episodes Dan plot.


Hiram is a tall man, around 6'10 scaled to Chris. He has brown and extremely overgrown hair, along with a beard and mustache, equally overgrown. He wears a pair of faded red overalls and a faded red button up shirt, and two old shoes. He appears to be missing most of his teeth, and has Heterochromia, one dark eye and one blue eye.

Personality and Mental State[edit]

Hiram is extremely unstable, showing signs of severe techno-phobia, schizing out at the mention of any tech made after the 1800s or so. While it is never explicitly shown, Hiram is mentioned(both by himself and Dan)to be a cannibal, eating the occasional stranded motorist who suffered an accident nearby.

He is also probably an Adipophiliac, as he seems to take great pleasure in watching Peggy(the fat woman on his zoetrope)bathe.

He may have some other, more general mental disorders, such as schizophrenia and bipolar, but it's hard to judge.

Hiram seems to put on a friendly helpful facade to stranded travelers, in order to lull them into a false sense of security to kill and eat them. He seems to genuinely enjoy the company of fellow techno-phobes, gleefully proclaiming he, Dan, and Chris can stay up eating jerky and telling stories, as well as offering them water and car help. But if you indicate a love for any semi-recent tech(including television) he'll quickly schiz out and begin gleefully plotting your demise.

Life prior to the events of Dan Vs. Technology[edit]

At some point in time prior to 1996 (likely between the mid 70s and early 80s, when the computer market was fresh and open to new people) Hiram met Barry Ditmer, and the two became partners in the Omnicron Tech Company, co-founding the business.

Hirams exact role in the early company is not as clear as Barry's was, but it's known many of their best early ideas(such as the original Omnicron, and likely some of their video players) came from him, and that Hiram was none the wiser to Barry's slowly building delusions or sense of a grand vision.

In 1996, Barry stole Hirams half of the company through unknown means, took credit for all of his ideas, and then cut all ties with him, throwing him out onto the street. This event clearly had a deep impact on Hiram, who began a non-stop downward spiral after.

Following his betrayal at the hands of his former partner, Hiram goes off the grid(likely for financial and security reasons) and begins to develop extremely techno-phobic and anarcho-primitivist views. Fleeing into the Los Padres Forest, Hiram constructs a shack out of discarded materials along the highway, and lives off of nature, his only companion being an antiquated erotica zoetrope, featuring a BBW in a bubble bath who he proceeded to name Peggy.

Overtime, his mental and physical health deteriorated further. The slightest showing of modern technology(late 1800s or later, with the notable exception of cars) will lead him to twitchy spasms and psychotic episodes likely to end poorly who whomever disturbed him. He also began to develop Sapievoric tendencies..that is, he became a cannibal, always keeping an eye on the nearby road for potential victims, for he would cook and eat any motorists unlucky enough to become stranded on the nearby road.

Events of Dan Vs. Technology[edit]

Two motorists named Dan and Chris were unlikely enough to become stranded off the nearby road after they suffered a car accident while on a quest to murder Barry Ditmer.

Hiram(watching from his cabin a few hundred feet from the road) approached the two(who were attempting to build a fire) and introduced himself. He offers to give the duo directions, but in reality, it's a con to distract them long enough to kill him.

His murder attempt ends when he overhears Dan mention how they have to stop technology. Overjoyed at the thought of meeting fellow techno-phobic anarcho-primitivists, he gladly offers to push their car to the All Night Garage down the road, and let them stay at his cabin for the night. Despite Chris's concerns, Dan takes him up on the offer Hiram offering them jerky and hatchet throwing tips.

They apparently push the car to the garage with no issue(indicating Hiram is both strong and has no problem with most cars) and Hiram takes the duo back to his cabin. He gleefully shows them his drinking kettle(which doubles as a bath tub) but enters into a brief rage when Dan mentions TV. This quickly passes, and he shows Dan his horse zoetrope. At Dan's questioning, he mentions Peggy, but claims it to be for his eyes only.

Despite this being understood and accepted by the duo, Hiram apparently changes his mind shortly after and gladly shows them Peggy. Dan insists on television being superior, and Hiram(quickly realizing they aren't the pure blooded anprims he had first though) questions them further.

Chris and Dan both admit to liking technology, prompting Hiram to snap, twitching violently and entering a semi-psychotic state.

Now fully intent on killing them, Hiram grabs two nearby puppets(presumably ones he used for entertainment) and dresses them up like Dan and Chris, acting out his plan with the puppets. Knock out Chris with a plowshare, torture Dan, and then eat them both.

Dan and Chris quickly wisen up to this, dodging the plowshare just in time. Hiram then backed Chris into a corner with the intent of killing him, but was distracted when Dan, noting the open flame on the furance, torched Peggy. This send Hiram further into a fit, distracting him long enough for Dan to set Hiram's Cabin on fire and the duo to flee. Hiram screamed at the loss of all his positions, and yelled at the feeling friends that "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, I'LL CHASE YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!". The car had apparently already been fixed, as Dan and Chris were able to flee on it.

Despite the duo having a mostly functional car, Hiram was able to keep pace with them, getting in axe throwing range after they stopped for less then 15 seconds despite them having gone 30 miles. His shot missed, however, and the duo quickly sped ahead.

He continues to tail Dan and Chris all the way to silicon valley, arriving just over two minutes after them. Taking the elevator to the top floor, Hiram is surprised to see Barry after all these years. At Dan's prompting, Hiram proceeds to tell his entire backstory to the duo, to which Barry can only reply that Hiram "lacked the vision he had". Hiram calmly states he does indeed have a vision. First he's going to finish off Dan, and then he's coming after Barry.

Dan(quickly being surrounded by an army of drones) baits him into throwing his hatchet at the central computer, disabling the security robots and triggering a self destruct. Dan takes the opportunity to flee via elevator, Hiram swearing his business with Dan "isn't over yet"! With Dan out of reach, Hiram turned his attention to Barry(who was trapped to a wall by a set of daggers) and threw one of the malfunctioning robots at him, killing him instantly.

The building completely explodes less then 10 seconds later, and he isn't seen fleeing the building, so it's implied Hiram was killed in the blast. This was never confirmed, however.


  • Hyrum is heavily based off of two people. (see below)
  • Firstly, his backstory as the "Co-Founder of a large tech company who allegedly had his ideas stolen and never got as much credit as the other co-founder." is clearly based off of Steve Wozniak, Co-Founder of Apple Incorporated, and overshadowed by Steve Jobs every step of the way(even after Jobs death).
  • Secondly, his modern day self, a "Brilliant young mind who suffered a terrible event in his young adult life, prompting him to run into the woods, live in a cabin, become a hardcore primitivist living off the land, delivers a series of vague technophobic ramblings, and commits a series of violent acts leading to several deaths over a long period of time." is eerily similar to the infamous life of "Ted Kaczynski" AKA "The Unabomber", a brilliant mathematician who was put in a cruel psychological experiment while at university(legal at the time)and proceeded to drop out, run into the woods and live in a cabin, and eventually began a series of horrific bombings lasting from 78-95, targeting university professors and students. He is currently incarcerated at ADX Florence, the highest security prison in the country.
  • His sexual interest in Peggy suggests he has Adipophillia, known in common terms as a Fat Kink or Chubby Chaser. As many as 25% of people may have some form of Adipophillia. It's ALSO possible, however, that Hiram is suffering from sexual desperation, and would....indulge, in anything he could get his hands on(though the lack of violated animals suggests this is not the case)
  • It's unclear if the Los Angeles Police Department ever investigated his disappearance, or the disappearance of any of the motorists.