Characters
Main Characters
Major Side Characters
- Oswald Fitzpatrick
- Elise Senior
- Don
- Crunchy
- Ninja Dave
- Hortence Burger
- Eagle's Nest
- Madame Zelda
- Ben
- Jeremiah Burger
- Impostor Dan
Minor Side Characters
- Old Lady
- Police Chief
- Fat Paramedic
- Thin Paramedic
- Mustached Police Officer
- Buff Police Officer
- Librarian
- Hobo
- Mr. Zimmerman
- Mike
One Off Characters
- IRS Super Model
- Trick or Treaters
- Neolithic Indigenous Zombies
- Hydrogen Trucker
- Dr. Pullum
- Dentist Assistant
- Fake Doctor
- Goose Man
- Soccer Boy
- Soccer Mom
- Hobo 2
- Normal People
- Canadians
- Sweep Guards
- Border Guard
- Great Great Grandfather Pearson
- Great Grandfather Pearson
- Great Great Grandmother Pearson
- Skip
- Yeti Pearson
- Helicopter Hal
- Traffic Cop
- Old People
- Shepherd
- Theatre Owners
- Tye
- Theatre Chefs
- Theatre Custodian
- Head Theatre Actor
- Pink Shirted Theatre Actor
- Dinner Theatre Waiter
- Ball Chasers
- Baseball Guards
- Counterfeit Ticket Dealer
- The Rowdy Fans
- Riot Control
- District of Columbia Newscaster
- Baseball Players
- Baseball Boys
- Baseball Pitcher
- Baseball Catcher
- Umpire
- Innocent Women
- DC Hot Dog Man
- Baseball Announcer
- Ballboy Manager
- Commissioner's Aide
- Commissioner
- Salvation Service Woman
- TV Chef
- Salvation Armed Forces Guy
- Salvation Armed Forces Guard
- Greatwill Employees
- Beach Bros
- Beach People
- Hippie Leader
- Thunderbird
- Hippies of the SS. Friendship
- Barge Crew
- Barge Workers
- Lifeguard
- Children's Museum George Washington Actor
- Mount Vernon Tour Guide
- Mount Vernon Militia Men
- The Ghost of George Washington
- Barry Ditmer
- ILSA
- Security Robots
- Hiram
- Becky Barber
- Mr. Barber
- Door Scot
- Creepy Baby
- Creepy Baby's Mom
- Mrs. Barber
- Cabin Couple
- Clark
Fictional Characters